Into the Madding Crowd

As luck would have it, I live with a girl who is batshit crazy.   In fact I would be willing to bet, if she weren’t a solid creature, that she was a vengeful ghost like the one from the ring.  She has those crazy eyes, long straight black hair, and droopy posture that often typify these characters.

Over the past few weeks she seems to be getting closer and closer to a meltdown; and, as she has blatantly told me “I can not talk to you, do not talk to me,” I have no other option but to set forth a set of tips to keep in mind so that this crazy does not happen again.

1. When searching for new roommates, one must always remember to ask for references from past roommates.  If they are coming from a bad roommate situation, then ask for two friends.  You need to ensure that on some level they can interact healthily with other human beings.

2. Look for the crazy eyes.  If you can’t see them look harder.  If they still aren’t there, then maybe they aren’t crazy. Please reference Barney’s Blog

3. Ask random questions to see how they respond.  If they respond enigmatically, illogically or do not understand the question being asked, they might be crazy

4.  Mention mice.  Unless brand new to the city, any New Yorker should not have panic attacks over mice.  Minor freak outs are okay, no one wants a little Ivan running across their feet; but shrieking, screaming, shaking and crazy eyes at the thought of little mice might indicate crazy.

5. Ask if they require a cleaning schedule… and whether or not they declare it crazy to not have one.  Where people might be used to cleaning schedules, only crazies see it as completely unfathomable for grown ups to live without cleaning schedules.

6. Test the waters and see how they respond to sarcasm.  If they say something along the lines of “I don’t know what sarcasm is… I don’t feel human,”  they might just be crazy.

7.  Use big words.  If they seem to at least know that words are in fact words, then you are good to go.  If they suggest that you are speaking gibberish and making things up, they might be crazy.  Also, try making up stuff and see if they can catch on, that might just be fun and a great bonding experience.

You might also want to check for supernatural beings such as Zombies, Vampires, Vengeful Ghosts, Demons, Werewolves, Harpies, Witches, Hags, Banshees, etc… (wikipedia is a good place to look all these up). I don’t know about you though, I’ve always been slightly more attune to the supernatural in a bubble bubble toil and trouble kind of way.

I would rather not move out of my apartment; but, the crazier she gets, the less I can take it. If you have any suggestions as to how to rid my life of this crazy, please do share.